Thursday, January 30, 2014

Doubts

Is this girlish enough?

With Chinese New Year barely a 2 hours away, the frantic and busy atmosphere of the festival is already in sight. Yet, all that I have in mind despite reading my novels and the normal family arguments is that idiot boyfriend of mine, if he still is.

It's been quite some time since I last felt pampered or loved. Not much time, really. Maybe just three weeks. But for a girl that is secretly really over-attached, that is more time than it should have been.

I miss our old conversations, whereas nowadays he barely replies my messages or read them at all.

Is this how girls dress lately????
I miss those times when he would spend time with me and tell me "It's okay, you're my girlfriend, so of course you are important to me :) " 

I miss the feelings when I can call him anytime I feel like it instead of how it's like now, me not daring to press the 'call' button and think twice before sending him a text, for fear that I might annoy him and make him lose interest in me all the more.

It's as if he has forgotten me. 

I'd tell him that I love him before I go to sleep every night, but about 2 weeks after he stopped replying to that, I saw no point in showing affection to a block of wood who would show me no affection in return.

I'm sad.

These past three weeks I have alternated between "Of course I am okay, I have accepted the way he treats me." and "Where is he when I need him so much?"
I'm more of THIS type of girl when it comes to
photos and whatnot. Not quite his type, maybe.

I told myself, "Maybe he's just busy." "Maybe he will tell me he loves me if I put up with this enough."

But then, maybe he really is the type of guy who loses interest in a girl some time after getting her and stop contacting her. He told me he's changed from the person I knew him to be and I chose to believe him regardless of his past.

I was close with his ex, Cindy. I saw how he treated her towards the end of their relationship. I saw how he couldn't care less about her, although from time to time he would ask me stuff about her from what he heard from his best friend.

I tried changing for him, in fashion sense if not anything else. At least to appear more girlish. Or try to be pretty. Lest he should be interested in me for a while more.

I still have hope in our relationship. I really want us to last. I am doubting, yes, but I still am hoping.

I am stubborn in relationships. I still love him. And I will, until this love turns into hate. I love deeply and stubbornly, but when betrayed I will hate to no end.

By then, dear Cavan, beware. =) <3 Don't let my love for you rot.

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