Wednesday, April 29, 2015

Self-Doubt: Friendships - The Sudden End


Hey, I'm back :)

There's an exam worth 10% tomorrow and of course I'm procrastinating. It's at times when you really need to get shit done that you start doing things that seriously do not matter at that moment, you know? Your brain keeps disturbing you, whispering negative things to the motivated part of you.

And today it isn't telling me that I hate everyone. It's not telling me that everyone hates me either. Today I was just very doubtful of myself, everything I've done, everything I will be doing and most of all, what I AM doing.

I say I don't judge, but what if I did so and didn't notice it?

I say I don't mind, but what if I actually did but was just putting on a show for everyone? 

I say stupid things, regretful things that I did not really mean when my temper or noisy mind takes over, but... will the ones at the receiving end ever know that I don't mean it?

It's only when I was studying alone at night today that I realized I failed to maintain the positive relationships with my friends. 

...

I couldn't even remember the last time I went for lunch with my usual bunch of coursemates.

I kept telling myself that this is a busy semester, that we all have a lot on our hands to handle, almost too much. And partly, it's true. I have been busy for the past few weeks myself.



It's not just my current coursemates either. My previous best friends from secondary school and college, I don't quite contact them anymore either. It seems like I'm really someone who gives up easily after several attempts. I try to keep my friends close, but after some time I just got tired of being the one to initiate activities and I guess I just stopped trying after a while

... and then I discovered that they're completely okay with nothing happening too. I didn't even have to do anything. They're okay with nothing. So of course I think that I was actually being annoying - I probably am, anyway, for all I know - and I stopped trying to talk to them.

Maybe that's where it all went wrong. Maybe I was giving the wrong signal. Maybe I said something wrong and no one bothered to tell me that it wasn't the right thing to say. 

Whatever it was that sort of severed my friendships with my previous bunch of friends, I hope it's not too late to turn things around. 

I guess this whole week has been kind of a wreck for me and it got me emotional perhaps? But to all that I offended and I never knew, to all that I used to laugh and make jokes with and have lunch with everyday, 

I just want to say I'm sorry. 

I keep finding fault in others but never myself, so much that I don't even realize it anymore when I do something wrong. I guess I sorta miss the times when our friendships were very much natural. 



Maybe you guys will read this, maybe not. But yeah. While it may not appear so, I do cherish my friends a lot - I have very little of them and I do not wish to lose them, even if at times I do prefer to be alone.

I looked back at this blog today, being sentimental and all. Those memories seem so distant now, even if they were only a few months back. The number of posts about my outings with friends got less and less, and eventually it's all just about the noise in my head before I decided to just start anew at another blog altogether. 

I suppose I did foresee this problem earlier on, but chose to believe that I was merely thinking too much. I've been avoiding my problems and just made new friends instead of trying to restore the older friendships.

I may be selfish for asking this, but... help me, won't you? 

Tell me what I did wrong, tell me what I said or done that have hurt you. Be honest, please.
I really want to know. 

Friday, April 24, 2015

Mango Fashion: Sexy, Casual or Playful?

Fashion is what you buy and style is what you do with it. Whichever style that you go for, you’ll find Mango an affordable and popular option. From dresses to blouses, pants to outerwear and many other options, Mango has it all. Browse through the Mango collection and take your pick on what to wear for any occasions. Unable to make up your mind? Here’s some suggestions as to what you can consider, exclusively from Mango’s fashion line.

1. Sophisticated Sexy






Elegant and/ or sexy little black dresses in your wardrobe can never go wrong. These dresses are perfect for most occasions, be it an outfit for work, parties, a date or a girls’ night out! Mini, midi or maxi, these black dresses give you an air of sexy sophistication and it’s undeniable that the colour black has always been able to make you look slimmer. So, girl, take your pick from Mango’s wide arrays of little black dresses and flaunt it all in style with confidence .



2. Casual Chic










If you prefer to play it cool and appear more, say, ‘chillax’, Mango also has a variety of stylish casual fashion with their casual dresses, shorts, tops and cardigans to serve just that purpose. Other than being of excellent quality, casual chic style is a quick and easy style to pull off on any normal days in town or running errands on weekend. Casual fashion can never go wrong again with Mango’s collection.

3. Playful Tones





It’s Friday evening, and it’s definitely time to let your hair down. Be daring, and opt for Mango’s colourful collections and give a mood boost to your friends and yourself as you step out of the house with bright and eye-catching colours. This works perfectly if you aim to be the center of attention everywhere you go. Watch how eyes follow you as you go for dresses for a sassy approach, or a jumpsuit if you will for an elegant appearance. A casual happy-go-lucky feel can be easily achieved by wearing Mango’s shirts and pants collection.



Did I get your attention? Online shoppers, you can now get these outfits and more for the best reasonable price at Mango online fashion at ZALORA.

Happy shopping!


Wednesday, April 15, 2015

Rantings are moving to...

Hey guys,

thanks for you continuous support for my blog all this while and I would like to take this opportunity to tell you guys that I really appreciate having all you readers here with me during the past one year or so :) This blog has been running for almost 2 years now, and after about 25K site visits and 11 followers, I've decided to use Wix instead to experiment with the new blog platforms.

I will not delete this blog because despite leaving this blog I've grown fond of it over time and these stories are for me to keep and read again one day in the future.


Who knows, I might come back here some time to post other articles :)


But meanwhile, you can find me at http://fionneeverly.wix.com/fionneeverly/ whereby I'll be using the pen name Fionne Everly instead of Tatoru Yuki, and leave a message in the comment sections if anything.

Thank you once more,

Buenas noches.

Tuesday, April 07, 2015

Some Favourite Memories

Let's just say I've had my share of good and bad memories, experiences and friendships. But instead of lingering on the bad ones, today I'm going to write about the positive ones. 

*****


Going to the washroom with some girl friends, and then wash my hands and with my hands still wet, place them on the said friends' pinafore where the boobies are. D.I.Y. Body Glove. Said friend then has to exit washroom with arms over her chest while waiting for the wet handprints to dry up.

-
Exam period. Late night studies with the hostel gang. Battery running dry? TETRIS BATTLE! "I RAN OUT OF ENERGY. GUYS. SEND ME ENERGYYYYY."

-
Remember "What does the fox say?" In le car and that song was playing super loud and the few of us were making retarded sounds and singing along.

-
All the skirt flipping, boobs grabbing, bra unclasping actions going on during my time in girl school.

-
First discovering yaoi when I clicked on a Yu Yu Hakusho fanfiction video on YouTube, getting traumatized and searching for it again the next day.

-
Practicing and performing for cheerleading in secondary school, even if it turned out to be shitty. Much fun nevertheless :)

-
Trip to Singapore with coursemates in Foundation Year. We may not be together anymore, but the remaining memories from that trip is still one of those that I'll smile at when I remember them.

-
Fangirling at cosplays during my first anime convention, ANIMAX 2015. Rare moment for me to geek out in public and not being judged.

-
12th birthday party. Invited classmates and neighbours and some of siblings' classmates. Biggest birthday party ever done so far. Cakes, games, lots of gifts, birthday invitation cards.

-
Book hauls. Excitement at seeing a huge hall filled with more books than I can ever read in my whole life, and choosing just a small portion of them to bring home and arrange and display on my bookshelves.

-
Getting the second-hand electrical keyboard from my cousin. That feeling when I first learnt to play Turkish March even if it was a simpler version and I can never get the ending or speed right.

-
Running away from a senior who was teasing me when she found out I like her and eventually getting caught, a bit too roughly perhaps, because the sides of my pinafore got torn. But it's all fond memories now.

-
First hugs with the guys I liked.

-
Surprise birthday celebration during my foundation year. Cream. Lots and lots of cream. 

-
Meeting James Lee, author of Mr. Midnight. You can find the photo of him, me and my sister form like, 8 years ago at the back of 'Lady Long Neck'. First author I ever got to meet my whole life. The only one so far too.

-
Singing Japanese anime songs with my primary school besties when I was about 10 or 11. We basically memorized the lyrics and can sing for hours if the teachers did not enter the class.

*****

I hope that this blog post made you count your blessings and recall your own happy memories. Do write yours down somewhere before those memories fade! :)

Thursday, April 02, 2015

Hit it Off

It's been a really busy week, with club and societies activities, talks, workshops, jobs and some friendship issues as well.

You see, this week when I got to know lots of new people I realized that... no, it's not that my friends are not nice. It's not that I have been thinking too much - although that is partly the reason. It's not even that I hate them as I thought I did. It's just that we have little in common and thus there just wasn't much to talk or get hyped about.

I just hadn't found the people that I can get along with in university, well, until about... 3 days ago on the 29th of March after the ANIMAX Carnival event. I basically went out with Alexandria - Alex for the ANIMAX event, checking out cosplays and taking photos and all, When we were done, Alex followed me to Starbucks while waiting for her brother to reach to fetch her.

But theeennn. She informed me that another friend of hers might wanna meet her and so we waited. "He's cute," Alex commented. "But he's gay though."

Oh.

It took me a few seconds to process that. "So you're telling me that he's going to be cute and I won't be able to get him." "So you're telling me that I'll be meeting a gay dude." "So you're telling me that I might be meeting my next best friend."

Because yes, as it turns out he's one of the few guys that I could be comfortable with within the first 10 minutes of meeting and by the end of the day with a goodbye hug the three of us were already making arrangements to meet up again to talk more soon.

And Alex? I must say seeing someone aged 16 in university is not really a common thing in Malaysia, and the 4-year age gap can sometimes be forgotten and I'd make her somewhat blush or embarrassed through the sexual innuendos I throw out at both of them.

It feels a little odd for me at times because Alex is 16 and Bernard is 18 and I'm 20. The age thing. But otherwise, all is good. We get hyped about similar things and thus, well, you can call it free entertainment. Plus hey, free hugs and nice talks, who wouldn't want that?

I've taken to treating them as my younger siblings. Maybe it's instincts because of the age thing, or maybe because they're both just so adorable, be it their looks or their personality.

Damn all you tiny young adorable humans.

Let's hope this tiny friendship will linger around longer, you guys are awesome ;) <3


Tuesday, March 24, 2015

Dear FutureMe

I believe I have written about futureme.org before, where you send mails to yourself in the future be it the day after, a month later or a few years ahead.


After sending the mails, you cannot open the mails until you have received them in your mailbox, so after some time you probably will forget what you wrote about and one day you just receive a notification on your phone saying you have a new phone and voila! A mail from somewhen in the past that you've completely forgotten about.


I've decided to share some that I've received so far. They bring back memories :) I will, however, censor the names involved in this mail for... personal reasons :)


*****


Date written: July 6th, 2013
Date sent to: November 8th, 2014


Dear FutureMe,


If the timetable given isn't wrong, well, you would have completed your foundation studies today. ;D How does freedom feel? Are you drawing? Straight into your computer games?? novel? or are you regretting something you did for your revisions before the exams?


It is very unlikely that you have found someone to accompany you for now, and i hope you still are single. Have you forgotten about "X"? Is he still your friend? Look, this still is my concern of the moment.. *laughs* well, i hope you have made a choice about the course you are going to take next.. enjoy for now, okay?


Love you.


*****


Date written: November 10th, 2013
Date sent to: October 3rd, 2014


Dear FutureMe,


Hey, Turtle. I have just received your e-mail when I wrote this, and yes I have completed my studies. I am now friends with "X", and he's with "C" now. They currently have some problems, and it's hard to say if they will last. But things seem good for now and I am still hoping for the best for them.


As for me, believe it or not, I am now with "W". The very "W" from MUFY Jan 13. He's really nice to me and like what I posted in my blog, the date we had on the 6th of November was really fun. I love him, and he loves me too. It's a wonder that we are somehow together though. Mum knows about it and so does dad. Mum is a little bothered, but as long as I play safe with "W" it won't hurt. He's nice.


I have currently decided to enroll in the Interactive Media degree program in One Academy, and I would definitely go for it if my scholarship application turns out to be accepted with FULL SCHOLARSHIP. I'm hoping for the best really. It's either this or ICAD college, which would probably work too, but at this moment I have yet to make any inquiries.


Are you in TOA now? Please don't tell me that you're studying in Singapore, that life seems miserable. Tell "W" you love him right now once you see this message if you are still with him (I hope you are, this current me here is head over heels in love with him) and remember not to take him for granted.


I've done packing to go back home on the 15th of November, but I might go out a bit with my friends and maybe "W" as well. :3 I hope you're happy now, Turtle. You have to be.
On the other hand, it might be your 11th month anniversary now, and I wish you all the best. =)


*****


Date written: July 22nd, 2014
Date sent to: November 22nd, 2014


Tatoru Yuki (if you still are using this name),


How much have you changed? Have you begun your studies?? What are you studying?? I hope you like it anyway, Yuki. I really hope you do. Would it be medics, arts or some other thing this current Yuki has not thought of?


Did you remember not to hunch? are you smiling often?? This past you here hasn't been working hard, so if you are having a bad time there, you might as well blame it on this past you. Did you find someone you have an interest in where you are now?


Oh, this past you still feels her heart skip a beat when she sees "X". He's so awesome. He had been nice to you. It's okay, Yuki. I know that the you in the future would have gotten over him completely. You are that strong. =) afterall, one year would have been enough, no?
But hey. One more thing to prioritize. Please, do work hard and be good at what you are studying. Be the top if you can, but firstly, you got to like what you do, alright? I really hope you do. Please. For the sake of yourself in maybe 10 more years? I'll look forward to getting to know the you by then.


Live happy, Yuki. It's already late enough for the turtle to get out of her shell. Socialize, and you would be happy. You know that, don't you? Smile, Yuki.


Love you and Support you all the way~!!


*****
Date written: October 5th, 2014
Date sent to: March 24th, 2015


Dear Turtle,


I've just read your mail from the 9th of November 2013, and oh... you had so much hope in me, didn't you?


I ended up studying Biology with Psychology in Sunway University, and I am coping quite fine I guess. :) It has only been 6 weeks since I first started studying here, and I hope that I will be able to graduate with a first class honours by the time I'm done.


I am NOT willing to quit. I hope future you are not a quitter, Turtle.


I am single and happy here, although there are some crushes here and there. Nothing big though, so don't worry. Remember to focus on your studies and work smart and work hard!
Here, I just came back from my 9.30pm job at Popular bookstore on weekends, and am studying (it's 2.30a.m. as I write this), trying to get some extra pocket money and also good grades at the same time.


You know. Silly you here has a crush on one of your hostel bros... "Y", if you don't remember anymore. It's been there quite a while, but you are shipping him with "C" and they seem to be so much closer nowadays that it will be wrong to take him away or even attempt to do so.


Heh, being single sure is better, isn't it? ;) How are you over there? coping well? It's Sem 2 now isn't it? Please continue your efforts and if anything, DOUBLE, TRIPLE AND EVEN QUADRUPLE those efforts of yours.


Jia you, turtle!! BE A GOOD EXAMPLE TO EVERYONE YOU CARE ABOUT.


*****


Date written: October 6th, 2014
Date sent to: March 20th, 2015


Dear FutureMe,


Hey you. Heyyyy. How are you doing?? It's like.. Sem 3 now I think? Is it? Should be lah.
So how's life there? If you're in a bad spot now because of this past you who is procrastinating her neuroanatomy revisions, I'm so so sorry.


I hope you're healthy there too. It's the second time in two weeks that you didnt' get 6 hours or more of sleep. you;ve gone without sleep till about 6 or 7a.m. to do revisions and studying and then you just go back to hostel to sleep.


Are you coping well with your studies? How about new crushes? Met anyone yet? ;) Do tell me about them kay. Hopefully the hostel crew is still in contact there as well - "D", "E" and "Y". "C" is joining tomorrow and i hope she's still there (BUT I WANT MY "Y") He is a nice person as far as this you here knows.


Eitherway. please double your efforts in studying and make your family proud kay? :D Jia you jia youuu!!!


*****


Date written: November 24th, 2014
Date sent to: March 24th, 2015


Dear FutureMe,


Hey. I uh, kinda of fucked up a bit. Have you received that mail about "Y" yet? Yeah, yesterday I confessed to him and he told me that he simply doesn't think of me that way.


I knew it was coming, and I uh. Cut myself. I was so sad. But somehow after confessing to him, I felt a lot better. :) Just letting you know.


You here have kind of gotten used to staying up late alone, hectic assignment schedules and lack of sleep, tiredness and whatnot.


How's the second sem? Good? I hope so :D At least have fun or something.


The planning for the class trip is just about done now, with little adjustments to the venue for 2nd day and transports and ppl going etc. How was it? I hope it was fun~!!


Are you still hung up on "Y"? Will these few months be enough for you to get over him? Or are you still keeping your feelings for him? Hmmm~


Eitherway, sem 2 should be pretty easy, so make use of the time to study more for the sem 3 stuff or whatever, k. Be more productive.


I love you :) Take care darlin'. Smile more often and don't hurt yourself anymore. Your promised "A" and "B" just as much~!!


Jiayou yea? Support you all le time ^^


*****


That was all that I have received for now, and I make it a point to reply to every single mail I received and update my 'future self' on whatever I might have forgotten by then. Some mails doesn't seem very linked together though, maybe I deleted them accidentally. But this will do.


:)

Monday, March 23, 2015

Solitario

You took your phone out of your pocket, bored of observing the strangers around you and pretending to read when nothing could enter your mind at all.

You opened Facebook - or Instagram - whichever you prefer, and you scrolled past a photo of someone that once made your heart beat so fast - maybe still do - and you scrolled back upwards; looked at how happy that person appeared.

Said person is smiling radiantly, a smile that made butterflies flutter in your stomach. He/she appeared to be with his/her new ... friend? partner?

You closed the application and simply held the phone in your hand, memories rushing back to you. How long has it been since the last time you talked to him/ her? Is he/she doing well? It appears so.

You feel some relief over that, happy that he/she has moved on well enough.

Then sadness.

Sad that you haven't fully moved on, that he/she still is the occupant of your mind. You succeeded in forgetting some details.

The date you first met, what he/she first said to you, how going out with that person was like, the scent that he/she carried that made you want to bury yourself in his/her embrace.

Hush.

Hush, brain. Shut up. You reminded yourself not to bring up any old memories so that you'll forget them faster.

It's not like you haven't fall for anyone else - you did. He/she is a very nice person, fun to be with and whenever you two hang out together, you forget about the memories at the back of your mind. It feels good, for a while.

But it's not right.

You were probably just mistaking loneliness for love. Someone to turn to for attention and care. You weren't ready for a new relationship. You would mess up again if you fall for someone new. So you locked your heart up.

Better not to get anyone hurt.

It's just loneliness anyway.

So stop.

You jolted yourself out of your little mind monologue and looked around. It's getting late, you should go home, get a nice hot shower and relax your mind with some tea or coffee.

Stop those thoughts from keeping you prisoner in your own conflicted emotions.

la soledad es mejor.

Wednesday, March 11, 2015

It's Just One of Those Days

Day 7069

                Hello. Still trying to find my own identity. Am I an introvert? Shy, quiet, aloof and hardly noticeable in a big crowd? Or am I an extrovert? Am I trying to be like my fellow classmates, outspoken and always with some other people? Or rather, might I be somewhere in between? I really have no idea.

                Even if I didn’t feel like having any company, I’d feel a little lonely on some days. “You do know that they think you’re an annoying fucked up brat?” I’d be silently lamenting on just how temporary friendships are, how they’d all go away soon anyways, or how they just don’t like me but are all pretending to be friendly when I spout my nonsenses at them. “Nothing but a waste of space.”

                Lately, I’d feel a dull ache in my heart when I see photos of other people with their high school friends and realize that I didn’t have many that stuck by my side. “Remember that butterfly knife you got? Do you know what to do with it?” I’d loathe the thoughts of seeing my classmates again when the break is over, imagining how I’d have to pretend to be joyful and talk even when I didn’t feel like it. A small voice in my head would then tell me, “Hey, it’s alright. They don’t care about you. They won’t even notice that you’re acting weird or that you’ve disappeared.” Sometimes I’d smile at that thought, but most of the time it makes me more depressed. “You’re a failure.”

                Point is that on days like these, negative thoughts would fill my mind, and I’d regret all the plans I made that requires contact with other people. “Go. Away. They don’t even want you there.” I’d want to just snuggle in bed, a book or a movie as company, a cup of coffee by my side. “Don’t you see it in their eyes, the way they talk to you? They hate you.” Some hugs would be nice too. Did you know that hugs are somewhat necessary in life for emotional maintenance? Mental health?

Maybe on some other days, I actually manage to throw my negative thoughts aside, and I’d be trying to contact my friends, asking “Hey, are you free for lunch today?” But most of the time I’d be fine with just messaging people “What’re you keeping your WiFi on for? No one’s gonna reply your messages or start one with you, you oddfuck.” even if I don’t get to “Fucktard” meet them in person. The illusion of company is nice “bitch” until they eventually say something that makes me annoyed – which is most of the time, what with my short-temper – but I don’t usually show it unless “Lies lies lies lies lies” it got to me real bad.

Eventually, after the feelings passed, I’d feel stupid for even thinking in such ways. “Fucking attention whore.” But really, I find the negative thoughts easier to believe. For someone like me who has a little speech defect, walk with a guy-ish gait, know next to nothing about being ladylike, I suppose the people out there for me “Are you even trying” are just as I deserved – broken, like me. Maybe that’s why I couldn’t keep my guys for more than a year or so, but that’s another depressing thought to contemplate on some other days.

               

                

Thursday, February 26, 2015

Week 26 - Thoughts



0700 - It's time to get up already? Did I turn on the alarm for 7.15 a.m.? Yeah I did. Sleep.

0715 - K. Breathe in, breathe out. Sit up. I'll be more awake after shower. Towel, underwear, clothes, shower items... yep. K let's wake up now.

0730 - Are the clothes really dry? Guess I can take them in now. What should I have for breakfast? No, coffee drank first thing in the morning is not healthy. Something about the stomach acids. Biscuits are too dry though, oh god why didn't I go buy milk I'll go buy it later. Does this shirt go with this skirt? I need a full length mirror to look at this properly. Warm water. I need warm water. Maybe a bit of biscuits is alright.

0800 - Is it too early to go to class? I still have time. Do people see my eyeliner and judge me? Is this lipstick colour too obvious? I shouldn't use these things. Au naturale. ... No my lip colour is all wrong and my eyes are so droopy I need something. Should I wear jeans instead? This skirt is going to show my fat thighs and calves. Did I refill my water bottle?

0820 - Should I say hi? Yeah sure why not. Do I just do my own thing or talk to them? Heck they probably think I'm annoying and talkative. Just continue reading now, don't say anything unless they start first. Keep quiet, shush. Did I hear dogs? Should I comment on that? It won't hurt to just say something like that, right? Ah, class is starting. Might as well. Something to keep the mind and hands occupied!

0900 - Where is my coffee? Maybe yoghurt. Milk or yoghurt? Honey, honey lemon, sandwich... Coffee?

1130 - K lunch. Diet or no diet. Do I have enough money? Yeah I do, I just withdrew money yesterday so it should be alright. Fruits. Am I hungry? Yeah I am. Well shit. uhm maybe spaghetti. Or just noodles as usual. Are they going? What's taking them so long? Maybe we can go eat someplace else this time, have a change of menu. But they won't like it. Hey I can go alone. Should I? Will they judge? Wait, maybe they've been waiting for a day when I finally won't join them. Should I? Should I? I'll ask him if he wants to join.

1330 - I wish I could stay. But busy, so busy. Am I really happy with being busy like this? It does give some sense of accomplishment. I wanna get some sleep. Hey I think I've seen you around before do I know you? Should I say hi or pretend I didn't see you? Let's just scroll through my phone. Yeah you didn't see me either right? Awesome. Yo what's that song. I need that in my phone. Who sang that again? Earth to Yuki. Focus on the meeting.

1500 - Empty table. Awesooommmeee. Does the plug work? I shall stay here and finish my revision and do a bit of extra studying and go have dinner around 5pm then go back to the hostel and get some sleep till the next day or something I'm so tired k let's get this shit done. Wait what's new on 9gag? Shit, did people see that? If my friends see me looking at this I'll be so doomed. Yo when did you even start caring about people's judging you in the first place Yuki shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up don't think don't think get some music drink some water calm down

2000 - Shit phone battery's low. It's time to leave. Did I miss out on anything? No notifications, I guess I'm done for today. I'll just do more revision tomorrow. Try sleep early tonight. 10.30pm maybe. Get some sleep. Dinner? I'll get oatmeal or something. Burgers though... Should I even- It's burgers.

2130 - Go workout. Do some light exercises. Maybe stretching and sit-ups. Don't be lazy now. Tired. So tired. I need to sleep.

2200 - Hahah this picture is funny, I should show it to someone. I knew you'd agree, that's why I sent it to you. ... I can't just keep texting you whenever I please, can I? Most people say things like 'Nah I'm okay with it' but inside they're just plain annoyed. I'm like that. I'm kinda bad if I'm like this. Hmmm. I should try change my personality again. For good, this time. What should I wear tomorrow?

2300 - K, just 5 pages then go straight to sleep. Do nothing else. Go. To. Sleep.

0000 - Did I set my alarm for tomorrow? I'll be so tired in the morning, all these choices I make in life... It's kinda cold.

Week 26 - Book Summary and Review: Fractured by Dani Atkins

First things first, spoilers ahead.

I got to admit, it was the title of this novel that compelled me to take a look at the synopsis at the back of the book.

In a sentence, I can tell you that this story is about a second chance in life - a better one.

I took an immediate liking to this book once I started reading it. The main character, a girl name Rachel, had quite a normal life with a loving boyfriend Matt, a guy best friend Jimmy and her girl best friend Sarah.

Until the day of the accident, that is.

*** Spoilers this point onwards! ***

When Rachel and her friends were at a restaurant, a car had lost control and crashed into the place just where they were eating - at the window. Rachel would have died if it wasn't for Jimmy who pulled her back from the table where she stood frozen with a chair blocking her path to safety and died in her place.

Ever since then her life seems to have crumbled and got worse. Years on, her father was trying to recover from chemo and she was having frequent headaches that were signs to a disease more fatal, possibly a brain tumor. She pushed Matt away, and when she finally got the courage to go back to her hometown for Sarah's wedding, she saw Matt and Cathy - another friend in her gang - together.

e-book cover
Although Jimmy never got the opportunity to say it, it was hinted that he wanted to tell her that he likes her before they leave for university on the day of the accident. Rachel hadn't known that just then, but only that she felt guilty that he died for her. That thought haunted her for a long time, until one day she went to Jimmy's grave.

That's when she was given her 'second chance'. Rachel had a splitting headache and collapsed as she tried to get help from drivers on the road.

She woke up, confused, to various pleasant surprises. Her father was healthy and well, Jimmy still alive with just a scar to prove that he survived, and she's engaged to Matt.

Thing is, it takes a great deal of adjusting from her previous life to her new life. One does not simply just accept that her best friend has been resurrected from death or that her dad got well from chemo within a day or two. Or that the 'ex' is now engaged to her and totally in love too.

So yes, Rachel was very confused and tried to convince everyone that this wasn't her life. She baffled her friends when she was able to provide concise information about her former workplace, neurologist and her apartment.

None of the people from her 'previous life' seems to know her at all - her colleagues, her neighbours, et cetera, because in her 'new life', it's all completely different.

Despite appearing to love her a lot, Racher couldn't seem to reciprocate the feelings for him. Instead, she got closer and closer to Jimmy, which might be because of having lost him before.

For some reason, this novel was given a different
title in America
Rachel still gets 'images' from her previous life, the scent of her father's aftershave, the sounds of an ambulance, but they always seem to go away just as quickly.

At one point, she was convinced that she was suffering from multiple-personality disorder after having a talk with Jimmy and visiting her workplace where she found an article that she allegedly wrote.

Her relationship with Jimmy only got closer when she suspected that Matt was cheating on her with Cathy and discovered it to be true when she went into his apartment and caught them in the act.

Jimmy finally had the chance to confess his feelings for her a while after that incident. She knew then, what he'd wanted to tell her that night of the incident in her previous life.

They got married, and as they walked out of the church into the bright lights outdoors, her father held her hands and asked the doctor if there really wasn't hope for her anymore and if she might be able to smell his aftershave that she gifted him. The doctors gave a negative answer, and pulled the plug.

***

Ratings: 4/5

This is one of the few novels that had me flipping the pages and hooked till the end although the ending could be guessed. I wondered while I was reading, if there was any chance at all that she would suddenly go back to her previous life, or if Rachel's theory about parallel universes and 'soul-exchange' was actually correct.

There were two 'teams' in this story, Team Jimmy and Team Matt. I've always been in Team Jimmy from the very start when he showed her affections in subtle ways. Somehow Jimmy managed to seem somewhat more affectionate that Matt ever can be as a companion, and the point that he cheated did not help.



At the ending of the story, I wondered if all that she was in her new life is the afterlife that she was experiencing, or if it was simply something conjured in her mind while she was in her comatose condition. What if it was an alternative life that Jimmy conjured up to welcome her into her afterlife?
There were many questions as to this aspect, and I suppose this would be up to the readers to decide.

I hoped for a happy ending, and I suppose in a sense this counts as one when she's happy with Jimmy and her family and friends are all pretty well off.

A part that I probably didn't enjoy as much in this novel was the confusing parts that were Rachel's point of view. It seemed reassuring at one moment and suddenly something happens and you start doubting her hypothesis for the things happening around her. Sure, it keeps you guessing, but it probably isn't all that nice when it lasts throughout the whole book.

It's books like this that makes me wonder if our lives are truly as we perceive them. I truly enjoyed reading this one nonetheless, and I'll probably keep a lookout for Dani Atkin's other books now :)

Tuesday, February 10, 2015

Week 24

I'm not exactly sure what to say.

It's been some time since I last written a blog post. Like 3 week ago, wasn't it?

Well, the semester is ending soon, but not before the finals which will be after the Chinese New Year break somewhen next week. Most of the projects are done with by now, other than the position paper which will be due after the break.

These past weeks, well. When I am here trying to recall what happened I can bring up nothing, but I do remember that I went to the Big Bad Wolf sales (again) and bought 8 books for Rm35. I also bought a BBW T-shirt (GLOW IN THE DARK~!!) for RM29 and a bookmarks stack for RM10. So yeah that's almost Rm75 I spent in one day, followed by a meal in ... Some sushi place .I forgot that place's name but their egg thing is delicious.

I went back to work, and will probably work longer hours from this week onwards. I also applied to be a lecturer's research assistant to help collect the data needed for his researches and possibly to do some researching as well if time permits. It seems somewhat for 'fun' to be busy. Thing is, my mind's been wandering lately. Not to good places either, so it's probably for the best that I keep myself occupied for as long as I can.

I know it's like, February, but I made myself a New Year Resolution list.

Sort of. More like goals for a few years really.

  1. Get sennheiser noise-cancelling headphones
  2.  Save Rm15,000 in bank account
  3. Read 40 books in 2015
  4. Master daily yoga routine
  5. Finish writing a story or two
  6. Adopt healthy diet that I can stick to
 Yeah that's pretty much it.




Also, I just found out that my phone hasn't been automatically syncing my photos with Google plus photos recently and that got me a little worried cause it's where I've been backing up my photos for the last year or so. I hope I can fix this.





I should get around to drawing more I guess. Either that or I spend more time studying for the next semester instead of wasting it 9gagging or watching movies, plating MaiMai in the arcade or whatever. Yeah, it's gonna take a little bit of readjusting to get back to being hardworking again after approximately 8 weeks of slacking off in class.

I mean, this semester is so trivial that we go to the classes just for the sake of attendance and while the lecturers are teaching you'd see some of us using the laptop, watching movies/ videos, reading, playing games, etc. Not many of us actually listens. The few that listens will probably get better results than the rest of us, but for now I simply don't quite care.

yeah. The few that listens.

Ever wondered if anyone really listens to you? Cause I do that pretty often. But that's for another rant I guess

Friday, January 23, 2015

Week 21

Empty.

This semester I'm just taking the compulsory subjects, so I'm not writing much about it as there is literally nothing to talk about it.

On the other hand though, this easy semester gave me lots of free time on my hands. It makes me want to go out, walk around, explore what's nearby and what's far away.

Let the mind wander, away from the negative thoughts in the mind, from thoughts about body images and clothing choices, money matters, studies, friendship, emotions and exam results.

I don't know what to think.

Perhaps it'll be good to escape from reality for a while more?

Wander, wonder, and wander further.

Friday, January 16, 2015

Week 20 - Solitude

Y'know, funny thing is most of the time when I go to a new place I'd be really happy because I'd be able to start pretending to be someone I really am not. Start anew. I'm sure I've talked about this a few times now in my blog. New place = Change.

Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't.

You see, in order to fall asleep you need to pretend to be asleep first. You close your eyes, stop moving around too much, lay immobile until sleep takes you away.

I figured out that if I pretend to be someone I am not long enough, I'd become that person.

That's how I end up trying to get over my unease around people I barely know at these new places, smiling and talking to them once I get over that uneasy feeling, stepping out of my comfort zone.

I don't know if it was the holidays or something, but ever since the semester break for semester 1 started I don't quite feel like talking or mixing around that much with my coursemates anymore. At first it was still bearable, I'd still be able to talk to them and make jokes, annoy them from time to time, so on and so forth.


I figured I needed a break from all that human contact. I can barely remember when was the last time I walked around campus alone, munched on popcorns in the cinema with complete strangers,or hummed to myself as I sit in an empty field. These past few days I isolated myself from the other, not really joining them for things I'd normally join them for: Movies, meals, talking after classes.

I realized that I kind of miss the silence that I've always enjoyed, even back in secondary school where I'd be sitting in a corner of the class, reading or drawing, while others were elsewhere. As hard as I try to mingle with people more often, I'm perfectly content to be alone as well.

It's comfortable, this silence. Or rather, this state of being alone. I still listen to music sometimes when I'm not doing anything much. It's nice to be able to do something without any interruption for some time. Maybe this is one of the reasons why I like the library. Silence. No one really bothers another.

I'll probably go back to pretending soon, but for today, tomorrow and maybe just the next week or so, I'll let myself relax in my own company.

It's alright to be alone sometimes :)

Saturday, January 10, 2015

To You

 To the Guy who will Never Think of Me the Same Way


            First of all, I want you to know that there wasn't anything wrong with your decision. You see me as a friend and only a friend; I can’t do anything about it.

I want you to know that when you asked me for the reasons that I like you, I had many answers in mind but could only ask you back, “You don’t need reasons to like someone, do you?”

You’re witty, funny and even though a little childish and kiddy at times, you’re one of those good guys who would walk a girl home to make sure she’s safe, make some time out of your busy schedule to listen to a girl with a burdened heart and share a song you like via a pair of earphones in class when the lecture is boring enough to make you fall asleep.

You’re a good friend that I don’t want to lose, but also a nice guy that I’ll regret losing the chance to be with. I apologize for being selfish, causing the disturbance in our friendship by confessing to you, but I’d much rather have some closure than never knowing what your answer might be.

An answer it is that I got, and I want you to know that I'm slowly letting you go. You weren't mine to start with, but I will let my feelings fade as time passes. I wish you happiness, and I only ask that our friendship will stay throughout the next few years.

To the Girl who has been Clinging on to Hope


            Look at you, 19 years old and over-thinking relationships. It is alright to be heartbroken, but hey, don’t dwell in it too long. It hurts, I know, and your tendency to think too much just makes it worse.

            You’re still young, silly. Still a teenager, and it's still too early for you to worry about finding and keeping someone when you probably haven't even grasp the concept of love yet. There’re many other fishes in the sea, and this fish just isn't yours to catch. You can still care for him as a friend and look out for him. Someday, you might find that there’s someone who has been caring for you while you were busy getting heartbroken over someone else and it will be worth the wait once you realize it.

            Learn to be patient, and learn to love in more ways. Be bold and be strong, but don't be afraid to break down and ask for a shoulder to lean on when you're not at your best. Most of all, I hope that you will one day let go of your feelings and move on with no regrets.

To the Girl he will Love



You're beautiful, with a lovely smile and a pleasant personality. I never stood a chance against you to begin with, when all I have is a tomboy-ish manner and a sharp tongue.

I must confess, I am envious of what you will soon have. He will treat you well and you will most likely be happy. I can only hope that you can return the love he gives you and care for him like how I wish I could have, in your place. 

He has yet to love before. I hope that you will show him the ways and let him hold a strong faith in love. Remember his birthday, his favourite foods and drinks, the types of things he likes and comfort him when he is sad. Listen to his favourite bands, motivate him to study and take good care of him should he fall sick and be a good company to him. Find out more about him and understand him. Please love him better than I ever can.

 I truly wish you happiness, albeit with a heavy heart.