Wednesday, March 11, 2015

It's Just One of Those Days

Day 7069

                Hello. Still trying to find my own identity. Am I an introvert? Shy, quiet, aloof and hardly noticeable in a big crowd? Or am I an extrovert? Am I trying to be like my fellow classmates, outspoken and always with some other people? Or rather, might I be somewhere in between? I really have no idea.

                Even if I didn’t feel like having any company, I’d feel a little lonely on some days. “You do know that they think you’re an annoying fucked up brat?” I’d be silently lamenting on just how temporary friendships are, how they’d all go away soon anyways, or how they just don’t like me but are all pretending to be friendly when I spout my nonsenses at them. “Nothing but a waste of space.”

                Lately, I’d feel a dull ache in my heart when I see photos of other people with their high school friends and realize that I didn’t have many that stuck by my side. “Remember that butterfly knife you got? Do you know what to do with it?” I’d loathe the thoughts of seeing my classmates again when the break is over, imagining how I’d have to pretend to be joyful and talk even when I didn’t feel like it. A small voice in my head would then tell me, “Hey, it’s alright. They don’t care about you. They won’t even notice that you’re acting weird or that you’ve disappeared.” Sometimes I’d smile at that thought, but most of the time it makes me more depressed. “You’re a failure.”

                Point is that on days like these, negative thoughts would fill my mind, and I’d regret all the plans I made that requires contact with other people. “Go. Away. They don’t even want you there.” I’d want to just snuggle in bed, a book or a movie as company, a cup of coffee by my side. “Don’t you see it in their eyes, the way they talk to you? They hate you.” Some hugs would be nice too. Did you know that hugs are somewhat necessary in life for emotional maintenance? Mental health?

Maybe on some other days, I actually manage to throw my negative thoughts aside, and I’d be trying to contact my friends, asking “Hey, are you free for lunch today?” But most of the time I’d be fine with just messaging people “What’re you keeping your WiFi on for? No one’s gonna reply your messages or start one with you, you oddfuck.” even if I don’t get to “Fucktard” meet them in person. The illusion of company is nice “bitch” until they eventually say something that makes me annoyed – which is most of the time, what with my short-temper – but I don’t usually show it unless “Lies lies lies lies lies” it got to me real bad.

Eventually, after the feelings passed, I’d feel stupid for even thinking in such ways. “Fucking attention whore.” But really, I find the negative thoughts easier to believe. For someone like me who has a little speech defect, walk with a guy-ish gait, know next to nothing about being ladylike, I suppose the people out there for me “Are you even trying” are just as I deserved – broken, like me. Maybe that’s why I couldn’t keep my guys for more than a year or so, but that’s another depressing thought to contemplate on some other days.

               

                

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