Dat First Relationship

So, I'm the type of girl who believed in 'Sweet Sixteen' and stuff like that. And being secretly rebellious as that age as well, that probably accounted for why I decided to chase this dude I fell for on Facebook when I thought I had a crush on him.

I can't remember if I really did have a crush on him, but I only knew him for about two months before I decided I like him and umm... Yeah. my mentality was like, "Yuki, go for it go for it go for it"

I think I got to know him through my best friend CT, and I was totally awed when I knew that he can make music - techno, and that probably was when I had interests in him then.

For reference, you can find him on YouTube if you search for 'Teio Rei' or 'tanatoslegion00'. Well anyway. When I first asked him to be my boyfriend, he rejected, but I kept trying anyway, until it actually turned from 'Just for the fun of it' to 'OMG I LURVE HIIIMMMM'. And then, well, he asked me to be his gf on le 3rd of Feb 2011 and I agreed, of course. That excitement of having a boyfriend when I was not allowed to and when I loved him just then was awesome, I guess. But what does a 16-year-old know about love though, it was ruined as soon as it began. Well, not really. 1 and almost a half year after it began, to be exact.

Well anyway, he lived in Melaka, about 3 hours drive from where I was living, and as I did not have a car nor a driving license nor the permission to go out, I only got to see him during the holidays when my parents agreed to bring me back to Melaka so I can meet my best friends and of course, him, but without my parents' knowledge.

Having to date without consent of parents and had to hide around is tiring, I tell you. Even as I held his hands and hugged him and steal a few kisses during the relationship, I had to be cautious about my parents' presence or absence. My best friends then were of course, teasing us and laughing at us but well, that's what friends were for weren't they?

He made a few songs for me and the first one was '4th Dimension' on Valentine's day just about a week after we got together. I think there was a total of 3 or 4 tracks that he made for me, I can scarcely remember now, but really, I was happy that he had the efforts and patience for all that.

On our second-or-was-it-the-third-wait-was-it-the-first date, he gave me one of his shirts and I just wore it whenever I could when I go to sleep. That was one of the only ways to at least pretend he's there, I guess.

However, let me emphasize that the relationship had a win-win situation really. I like smart guys, and he happened to be good in physics and chemistry, which I was not that good in. Then, he was weak in literature subjects, and that's when I help him instead. So you see, it was not all that harmful or non-beneficial relationship.

The relationship was mostly us Facebook-ing.
It's kind of hard coping with the absence at the beginning though, but he was the one who could not cope with the distance. I soon grew to be alright with it, but sometimes at night, like midnight or 2 - 3 a.m. when I am already fast asleep he'd call me, weeping, saying that he missed me.

That kind of scared me. I did not actually expect a guy to cry like that. 

I had to keep the relationship a secret, so it was hard to even call him from time to time or to Skype-chat with him as my parents might find out. I guess that added to the strain in our relationship although we had only two arguments during the whole thing.

I did roleplay with an online friend openly on Facebook, and it was kind of wrong really, and that was the where the first conflict happened. The second one I can no longer remember.

Sorry, maybe I tend to push the bad memories far into the back of my mind so I would not remember.

Usually I initiated the communication when we are not together,
but when we are, the roles are reversed. 

When we did meet, it was kind of awkward for me, I am not sure if he felt the same. ... There's not much I can remember now, how it felt and all that, just emptiness mostly and neutral feelings at having him as my friend once more recently.

He broke up with me through a text when it was almost midnight some when in July 2012. I think it was the 18th. or 19th. Not sure. Either way, I panicked and called him and he was just, the calmest he had ever been the whole relationship.

"I just don't love you anymore." That was the reason I remembered when I asked him why he wanted that so suddenly.

"But you can't just... do this to me, why so sudden?"
"All break-ups are sudden."
"But I love you!"

I spent the next day just crying and my best friend then, M.W., who he too dislikes for some reasons, comforted me and accompanied me. I hereby thank her for that, although we do not keep in touch as often anymore as we no longer study together nor are we able to meet with the lack of transport.

That was the first time I cried that much in years.
I hated being that weak.

I spent about 2 months maybe, very sad about the break-up and the missing future I thought we might have together. LOL, how guileless I was then about relationships and futures.

The next few months was spent loathing him, hating him to the extent of wanting to kill him when I think of all the things he had done to me, all the fake feelings he must have shown me during the last few weeks or who knows, even months, of the relationship. Angry that he only saw MY faults and nothing of his own. Simply enraged at the thought that he kissed me, told me he loved me, and left me just as easily. Mad, that I loved him and forgave him every time he did me wrong. I tore his letters into small pieces before throwing them into the dustbin, and deleted all his messages, his number, unfriended and blocked him on Facebook so he may never contact me, and just... well, hated him.

Then as suddenly as the hate came over me, it disappeared. It's over one year since the break up now, and he and I chat from time to time. He knew who I liked, and I knew who he did, and we are just getting on with life. Though sometimes his totally lame jokes and unmanliness shows and annoys me, let's just say we are pretty much on good terms now. 

So that's just about it, the first relationship I had. It was foolish, full of unfilled promises and expectations. I am not eager for the next relationship when this incident still haunts my mind, making me lose my trust in guys. Oh, Teio Rei, if you happen to be reading this, thanks for the fucked up memories yo. *bro-fist*

Nicki Sim

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