Meow: I Loved You

Remember KT from the first post on this blog?

For some reason I was feeling down last night, worthless and useless and wondering why was I alive at all when no one needs me to be there.

Awkward though it might be had I been my usual self, I inbox-ed KT on Facebook. On normal days I would not have dared approached him, but just then, I had no one else to turn to. Before the incident he was all that  I hoped to have. You see, I had a crush on him.

Had.

After I confessed to him maybe one month ago though, we didn't contact each other as much anymore. If you had seen me then you'd probably see me curling up at the corner of my room, bringing up the memories we had, or maybe, I had. I was not important to him, he had many other people to give his attention to.

Afterwards I figured out that even if I had him after all, the relationship would not be healthy. I'd be obsessed with him, as I did with my ex. That's one side of the story.

And. I found out that my affection for him was not that for a guy as in a relationship, but the affection for an elder brother that I never had. I felt protected when I was with him, and out of harm's way, because he'd look out for me and take care of me.

If there was one thing I regretted, it's that when he brought me out to the book fair and lined up in front of me to purchase his books, he was so close to me that I would have been hugging him if only I'd reached my hands out. ... But I didn't, because I was afraid of ruining the friendship we had. 

He was late, he promised to fetch me around 10 a.m., but it was only at 11 a.m.that he woke up and rushed to the fair. His alarm did not ring, you see. I didn't mind though. I was happy just to be with him then. Just, happy. Happy that he still brought me out after all, instead of cancelling the trip.

Happy that afterwards, he carried my heavy load of books for me. No one did that for me before, and I was not sure of what to do in return. So I just smiled and said thanks.

He was supposed to go back to the college to meet his friends after the trip, but he stayed with me to wait for my parents to arrive. I forgot the exact words, but it was something about it being quite dangerous for a girl to be waiting alone. He even gave me a Sudoku puzzle book that I looked at briefly while lining up to pay for the books, but could not purchase as I did not bring extra money for that one more book.

I hereby thank you again, KT. Thanks for all the memories and kindness you showed to me.

I wished that I could say I took his pictures to keep as memories then, but I didn't. I was scared, as usual.

I was glad that I added you on Facebook after Freshies' Night at our college though. Had I not even have the courage to do that, I wouldn't have known you. I would have to be blind not to notice you on that day. Everyone noticed you, didn't they? Oh. I'm smiling even as I type this. You're a wonderful person, KT. I wish you happiness, now and more so in the future.

My heart has let you go. I'm happy when I see you with NW. But you said it's impossible for you to be with her, didn't you? Though I'll never fully understand why, I guess it's alright as long as you determine your own path.

I bear no grudges against you, and I certainly do hope that you don't either.

All the best in your future pathways, KT. 

I hereby apologize for my shortcomings and thank you for everything once more. =)

Nicki Sim

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