"TarotuYuki-chan I likey joo"

Reason number 4. No good submitting yourself into
a relationship when you know your heart is elsewhere.
Just about two weeks before, I had no idea how a girl would feel being confessed to, whether it's a serious one or not. Up to date, I now have two dudes that said they likey moi.

The first one is actually my classmate, and he sure sounds like he's kidding and I really hope he is, because I hardly even know him to start with, but he'd even asked me to be his girlfriend a few times now, so I'm a little worried. Let's call him VL. He's a little too loud for my liking, that's the second reason why I sort of turned him down. Third reason, which applies to both guys said earlier, is that I simply don't want to be in a relationship right now. It is nice to know that someone as anti-social and weird as I am actually have someone that fancies me somehow. Regardless of whether or not those feelings were true or if he was just bored and thus fooled around with me. No, no matter how many times you prompt me to tell you "I love you," I am NOT going to. Those three words I only tell the my girl friends and guys that I really love. Not any one that I have no feelings for. I'm sorry, but if you indeed were serious about asking me to be your girlfriend, I still am treating what you say as a joke only. You and I are not even close friends to start with, so I would not bother giving your a proper reply. Get the hint that I don't like you that way, however.

A quote to live by while I'm still young.
That second guy, who we shall call by the name XB here, is unsure about his feelings for me, but I believe that he has those feelings because he was lonely after his recent break-up with the girl he really loved. I have always treated him as an elder brother that I never had, and I knew him through the Starstruck! journalism program I talked about a few posts back. So, him telling me that he THINKS he likes me is something I did not quite expect. Although, when he asked me this question, "How wrong is it to love someone you know you aren't supposed to fall in love with?" His reaction to the question "Who is it and do I know her" made it all the more obvious. XB, if you are reading this, no, I am not mocking you. It's just that I wanted to confirm who I thought you were talking about and thus I kept asking you. However, it is not awkward even after I knew that I was the one you were referring to. At least, it's not awkward for me.

Now, actually having people tell me they like me, this is something new in my life. And sadly, it doesn't really feel as special as I expected it to be. Maybe this is because of all the anime series and romance-themed novels that set a different expectation on stuff. Sort of a disappointment really. This is what I get when I actually waited for guys to confess instead of the other way round. I can say that I might have done a better job confessing to the guy instead.
My current relationship with KT
But then again it might be just me.

'Cause the courage I have online is different from what I really have in real life. Online on Facebook, confessing to someone is just typing and clicking the send button. Pretty easy compared to when you actually have to face your crush and talk to him and tell him about your feelings.

If I do try to confess face-to-face, it actually might go like this text below. Well, this is what I imagine it to be anyway. 'Cause I have not tried confessing to a person directly. Yeah, I'm sort of a coward like this.

"You had your lunch yet?"
"Nope, maybe later"
"Wanna be my boyfriend and grab lunch together?"
"Yeah sur - Wait what?"
"Nah, it's just that I have been having a crush on you since forever and have been stalking your Facebook and Twitter account ever since you accepted my friend and follower request and I now know basically what you do everyday and guess what, I keep your photos in a special folder in my thumb drive so that I can see who your friends were from the year you started having your Facebook account until now. You look gorgeous in every photo, my dearest. Let's keep that grey Boston shirt you have for our first son when he has to leave for college maybe 30 years later, alright Honey?"
"... *runs*"
"YOU CREEP. *calls the police*"

Yeah, I'd probably fuck up. That extract above was an exaggeration. I don't think I'm THAT much of an over-attached girlfriend material. Some, but not THAT much.

Specifically HIS hug. 
As for KT, last night I tried to sound like I was joking as I asked him for a hug before I graduate, but he replied that it is possible. I cannot put in words the happiness I am feeling because seriously, that one hug is all I want from him. Nothing else, although another trip to a book fair with him would be nice. He makes a nice companion, and his voice is simply delicious. 

I don't even dream of him being my boyfriend anymore. I am just a fangirl for him now. Well uh, yes, I still do stalk him, but it's just more to out of habit now than anything else. I don't like him that way. It's just his voice and him being himself that rocks. He's just awesome and I kind of idolize him somehow, but don't ask me why. I have no answer for that.

Maybe, just maybe, if he confesses to me, I'd feel that 'heart-skip-100-beats' thing authors write about in young teen romance novels.

That's very unlikely, however; So Imma just go back to living my single life for the next two or three years and continue fangirling over KT till it somehow stops. And there's my chemistry lab report to take care of right now.

Ciao, my beloved ones.

Nicki Sim

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