520 - Falling Out of Love

My blog reached 520 views when I opened my blogger just minutes ago today, 13th September 2013.

520 sort of represents "I Love You" in Chinese.

It is also today that I fell out of love, might I add - Finally.

KT and NW are now officially a couple. Last year they might have failed to get each other although they had feelings for each other but today, I congratulate them as they form a new relationship.

It hurts, of course. But I like seeing them together as well. I had been wishing for them to be together, happily, the night I was supposed to see meteors in the sky. I sat there at the window of my room in the dorm and whispered the wishes of mine to the wind, hoping that the wish would come true.

It did. And somehow it hurt more than I expected it to.

It feels like something was smothering me, like there's cotton all around my heart, squeezing it, grasping it. 

I posted a status on FB last night at my cousin's wedding. It was related to KT. NW commented on it today, barely two hours ago: "Accept the given but don't take the taken". I thought that they were together maybe one or two weeks ago, but I guess they only made it official today?

Where I edited this picture, "NW & KT" is written.
NW posted this on FB with the caption: "the boyfriend"

Oh God. It hurts. It really does. What I said, what I said that I love him only as a brother, it could have all been me just lying to myself, trying to convince myself. It hurts so bad.

How do I even compare with NW even if KT gives me a chance. She's pretty, funny, nice, smart, has known him longer than I did, and God knows how many more comparisons I can make when I don't even know NW and KT that much to start with.

I wanted to cry when I knew about it. My heart was hurting, I had to bite my lips to prevent myself from ... from what? I have no idea. I wanted to cry, loudly, just so that my heart would understand that I never had a chance with him to begin with. Hoping that my rational self would accept the fact that I shall have to put KT in my history as well.

No more stalking him and smiling when I know he's near, when I hear his voice and feel all warm inside, when I think of him and how he looks when he smiles. How he likes to hang out with his friends for some time before leaving - the last, for the class. He observes people. He has friends that would gladly go with him for lunch. He wanted to have a big mansion with rooms for his pets. He has the tendency to feed others when eating. He plays games a lot, Dota 2, more like. He somehow likes to sit at the last row in the class and during a 5-minutes break he's more likely to stay inside the class talking to his friends than going out. He can wear two shirts on alternative days for one whole week. He has rope at the front pocket of his schoolbag. His Twitter account is more active than his Facebook. He has a scar on his chin when he fell down quite some years ago. He can write with both hands. He speaks awkward Chinese. He's not that close with his family members. He drives his little brother to tuition every week - used to be Wednesdays but it seems that it has switched to Thursdays now, I don't know. He likes long-haired girls. His first paying job was as a tuition teacher - he's good at probability questions, he's good at card games and gambling games. He's really a caring person.

Stuff he said to me. His voice, it is still fresh in my memories.

"Why did you say NW and I have an angsty relationship?"
"A master is supposed to take care of his pet"
"Cup noodles are not good for your health"
"She said she saw you but didn't mean to scare you. She won't bite."
"I'll see you later then"
"That. was worth it. That was worth everything"
"Take it as your reward"
"I can give you attention, but not affection"

He's all I ever wanted.

No more. No more.

With less than 2 months remaining for my college life, I shall lie low - try to be out of KT and NW's sight. Maybe when I graduate I would delete all the remaining memories I have of them. Facebook contact, phone number, Inbox messages, so on and so forth.

He gave me chocolate for achieving something. He bought me a book.

There's so little memories between us, so it should be easy to forget him.

What's so special about him that I can't forget him like how I forget my previous crushes? Why can't I just ... pretend he doesn't matter and let the feelings pass? It's been maybe 3 months since I was rejected when I confessed to him. 3 months. Shouldn't it be enough time for one to let go of a relationship that did not even exist to start with?

He was sick. He was coughing and complaining of the cold yesterday while he was teaching my friends Maths.

Take care, KT. Take care, NW. I ship you guys. Hard.

I don't even know if this is possible but when I get rid of my feelings for KT I shall ship you guys even harder. Stay together and be happy, alright?

I know I wouldn't even need to be concerned. You guys would be just fine. I know.

To NW, if you ever see this post...

I'm so sorry for all the trouble I caused you, if any. I'm so sorry I was obsessive about your boyfriend. I wish you all the best, and that you hold on to this precious relationship I would never have. You are beautiful, awesome and you should never think too lowly of yourself. I have been envying you ever since I knew about you, because of all the opportunities and things you have around you. I wish I had the chance to know you and be friends with you, because I know that I would love you to bits had we been friends. It might not be the same case for you, but ... Just saying.

KT, Thank you. thank you for everything. Sorry that I had been one obsessive freak to you.

As much as I hate to say this...


Ah. Look. the view count just reached '521'. It still means the same thing in Chinese.

I love you.

Nicki Sim

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