Week 20 - Solitude

Y'know, funny thing is most of the time when I go to a new place I'd be really happy because I'd be able to start pretending to be someone I really am not. Start anew. I'm sure I've talked about this a few times now in my blog. New place = Change.

Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't.

You see, in order to fall asleep you need to pretend to be asleep first. You close your eyes, stop moving around too much, lay immobile until sleep takes you away.

I figured out that if I pretend to be someone I am not long enough, I'd become that person.

That's how I end up trying to get over my unease around people I barely know at these new places, smiling and talking to them once I get over that uneasy feeling, stepping out of my comfort zone.

I don't know if it was the holidays or something, but ever since the semester break for semester 1 started I don't quite feel like talking or mixing around that much with my coursemates anymore. At first it was still bearable, I'd still be able to talk to them and make jokes, annoy them from time to time, so on and so forth.

I figured I needed a break from all that human contact. I can barely remember when was the last time I walked around campus alone, munched on popcorns in the cinema with complete strangers,or hummed to myself as I sit in an empty field. These past few days I isolated myself from the other, not really joining them for things I'd normally join them for: Movies, meals, talking after classes.

I realized that I kind of miss the silence that I've always enjoyed, even back in secondary school where I'd be sitting in a corner of the class, reading or drawing, while others were elsewhere. As hard as I try to mingle with people more often, I'm perfectly content to be alone as well.

It's comfortable, this silence. Or rather, this state of being alone. I still listen to music sometimes when I'm not doing anything much. It's nice to be able to do something without any interruption for some time. Maybe this is one of the reasons why I like the library. Silence. No one really bothers another.

I'll probably go back to pretending soon, but for today, tomorrow and maybe just the next week or so, I'll let myself relax in my own company.

It's alright to be alone sometimes :)

Nicki Sim

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