Self-Doubt: Friendships - The Sudden End
Hey, I'm back :)
There's an exam worth 10% tomorrow and of course I'm procrastinating. It's at times when you really need to get shit done that you start doing things that seriously do not matter at that moment, you know? Your brain keeps disturbing you, whispering negative things to the motivated part of you.
And today it isn't telling me that I hate everyone. It's not telling me that everyone hates me either. Today I was just very doubtful of myself, everything I've done, everything I will be doing and most of all, what I AM doing.
I say I don't judge, but what if I did so and didn't notice it?
I say I don't mind, but what if I actually did but was just putting on a show for everyone?
I say stupid things, regretful things that I did not really mean when my temper or noisy mind takes over, but... will the ones at the receiving end ever know that I don't mean it?
It's only when I was studying alone at night today that I realized I failed to maintain the positive relationships with my friends.
I couldn't even remember the last time I went for lunch with my usual bunch of coursemates.
I kept telling myself that this is a busy semester, that we all have a lot on our hands to handle, almost too much. And partly, it's true. I have been busy for the past few weeks myself.
It's not just my current coursemates either. My previous best friends from secondary school and college, I don't quite contact them anymore either. It seems like I'm really someone who gives up easily after several attempts. I try to keep my friends close, but after some time I just got tired of being the one to initiate activities and I guess I just stopped trying after a while
... and then I discovered that they're completely okay with nothing happening too. I didn't even have to do anything. They're okay with nothing. So of course I think that I was actually being annoying - I probably am, anyway, for all I know - and I stopped trying to talk to them.
Maybe that's where it all went wrong. Maybe I was giving the wrong signal. Maybe I said something wrong and no one bothered to tell me that it wasn't the right thing to say.
Whatever it was that sort of severed my friendships with my previous bunch of friends, I hope it's not too late to turn things around.
I guess this whole week has been kind of a wreck for me and it got me emotional perhaps? But to all that I offended and I never knew, to all that I used to laugh and make jokes with and have lunch with everyday,
I just want to say I'm sorry.
I keep finding fault in others but never myself, so much that I don't even realize it anymore when I do something wrong. I guess I sorta miss the times when our friendships were very much natural.
Maybe you guys will read this, maybe not. But yeah. While it may not appear so, I do cherish my friends a lot - I have very little of them and I do not wish to lose them, even if at times I do prefer to be alone.
I looked back at this blog today, being sentimental and all. Those memories seem so distant now, even if they were only a few months back. The number of posts about my outings with friends got less and less, and eventually it's all just about the noise in my head before I decided to just start anew at another blog altogether.
I suppose I did foresee this problem earlier on, but chose to believe that I was merely thinking too much. I've been avoiding my problems and just made new friends instead of trying to restore the older friendships.
I may be selfish for asking this, but... help me, won't you?
Tell me what I did wrong, tell me what I said or done that have hurt you. Be honest, please.
I really want to know.