Friday, May 30, 2014

Guilt

There's some stuff that I did during the past relationship and I couldn't get them off my mind because the longer I dwell in it the more wrong it seems to be and there's so many people I feel like I needed to apologize to.

First, to C.H. You're like a sister to me. I pulled you out of your relationship with him because he was being a nutcase to you. I went through it all with you. You were sad and I was there to try make you feel better, although when it's all done with and you're finally over him, it's much easier to deal with you. =P

The thing is. The relationship was wrong because you were my 'sister'. Back then, you told me that it's alright when I told you that I have an infatuation for your ex just about two months or so after you broke up with him. And I was stupid to believe you. 

It never should have started at all, I'm so sorry. 

Then, to my friends who knew about that relationship and also about C.H.'s relationship with him. I'm really grateful because you people were truly there for me. When the relationship started going wrong I sought for you guys, looking for kind words at times and harsh reality the other.

You guys were there. And you people listened to me. Scolded me, even. Telling me how irrational and stubborn I was to trust him. Telling me that it's just his way when it started going wrong. And I never really listened, because I still believed in him. How many times were you guys annoyed by my messages at odd hours of the day? I'm really sorry.

Also, there's his classmates. I never really knew you guys, you're all from a different intake and I never bothered knowing you because I... thought of you as my enemy. I was jealous that he gives more attention to you people compared to me and so I judged you. Something I rarely ever do.

Maybe you guys are actually nice, although terribly noisy, I'm afraid. I might have indirectly thrown insults and angry words at you people when I don't even know you. And for that, I'm sorry too. 

Lastly it's to that guy himself. We don't talk anymore, but I want to tell you all the same for the times I was being irrational and stupidly selfish. I hope you will do well. 

That's all for now =)

Monday, May 26, 2014

Le First Best Friend

Dear bunny,

Today Imma dedicate a blog post to you, with lots of love included 8)

We met in primary school, but we didn't really talk or communicate until we were about 11. That was the year when Animax channel was out and we got our first dose of Japan anime series. We basically became best friends through Japanese animation and songs etc.

We fell for 2D guys, sang songs from anime series with our friends Kristal, Zuzu and occasionally several other friends and during the exam week I would get some people from our gang to pick you up from your desk and put you on the floor so that you would stop studying and join us in having fun.

The rule was that you were not to study if I wasn't doing so. 8) Evil me much? Heheh.

There was a time when Kristal and I would write stories of us all with our '2D boyfriends' and sometimes comics were made.

Did we realize that we were writing fanfics back then? I think not. XD

You, mai bunny, is a widdle short - not even 150cm are you? I have called you 'Chipmunk' pretty often because YOU CUTE and your voice just screams 'CHIPMUUUNNKKK' at me. If you were offended you didn't show it and I don't care anyway.

At some point in our friendship (SO SORRY FOR FORGETTING) I started calling you Scandal cause it was like I was stealing you away from your other friends and more-than-friends. 

YOU ARE MINEEE

You became Bunny afterwards. Same cute, same squeaky. During mai silly emo phase you actually allowed me to try cut you a little with mai scissors and you said that it didn't hurt even though you bled.

I remember calling your house phone number everytime I feel bored and I'm sure that at some point I must have annoyed you so much because our conversations rarely ever go below 1 hour. Did I annoy you? DID I????

Eitherway we were actually pretty close and you became mai first best friend. We weren't really the crazy-noisy type of best friends. Were we? I can't remember much anymore. I hope you have a higher memory capacity than I do!

Sometimes you would be sad and I would have no idea why but try to talk you out of it anyway. It's funny cause despite mai weird geekiness back then you and I still managed to click quite some and can cheer each other up. Thank you for that x)

I will always remember when you cried after realizing that you cracked the screen of le  mp4 you brought to school. Everyone was panicking XD

At one point when we were in secondary school, we had quite a big argument, and we had the girls' type of fight. We had a 'cold war'. Never talked to each other for 6 months, this much I can remember, although I don't remember why the argument started at all and you won't tell me why we argued when you visited me a few days ago.

It was around that year too, wasn't it, when I became quite an obvious stalker and chickens whenever le stalked person 'idol-chan' comes close and I obtained my Turtle nickname?

There was once when you got 'idol-chan' to come near and chase me around knowing that I would be scared of her. Not once was it? More than once. You guys caught up with me once and tore my pinafore at the back quite some. YOU GUYS SO STRONG. XD Another time you got her to chase me while I just got my cup of lychee juice at the drinks machine and I spilled about 80% of it everywhere trying to run away.

Idol-chan has always been a better runner than I was, you sneaky bunny. =P

We joined the cheerleading competition in our school when it first started although we were in different sport houses. You were in Blue team and me in Yellow.

Oh god I miss you again nao xDD

We had some nice memories wehhhh.

Then in form 3 I had to move to another state because of my dad's job and I was really sad even by the thought of having to leave you and other good friends behind. But mostly you cause you were mai best friend. Still is.

I cried quite some, and you people held this farewell party for me. Much touched, although it made me even more sad. You guys signed on a big piece of manila card for me also. Whai thank you.

I was also upset because I wanted to take PMR with you guys after studying together for a great many years but in the end I had to take the exam somewhere else.

It just feels different D:

We still met after I moved though. I would keep annoy you till you agree to come out and join me window shopping in le Dataran Pahlawan mall for a few hours. XD

And once your cheerleading team made it big and came to Johor for a competition and I met you there for a while. That was probably a year or two ago?

We were the type of friends (MORE TO ME LAH XD) that would play le Touch-and-Go game. Game instructions - Touch boobs and go. BUT HEY Mai intention was to check for breast cancer and to help your boobs grow kay.

And sometimes skirt-flipping is involved.

When I am sad I would usually attempt to contact you first, and then we would talk late into le night, even if it means you would ask for 1-minute breaks to go to le washroom. =P

We didn't contact that much during form 5 or so. After you entered college we talked less, you busy and stressed with your life and me with mine. We did maintain our contact through Facebook and a few short calls though. I didn't know much about what happened in your life for a while and that made me a widdle sad D:

But hey whaddaya know cause after a year of not meeting you came to visit me on the 20th of May 2014 after me here moved to johor for like 4 years! You finally came to visit meeeee. And you became le first friend that came to mai house for a sleepover. We went out and shopped a bit and took our first photobooth pics. Played some games, ate some stuff.

8 years and not so much contact in between but still best friends. How cool is that.

Girl I imagine us to still be best friends even years from now and remember our plan to marry our kids in le future kay.

so much emo from farewell photo XDD
Probably spare our kids from probs with mother-in-law anyway cause we best fwens and will take care of our anak-anak nice nice.

But most of all what I wanna tell you that you have been a great friend to me and I really hope that I didn't hurt you much during these few years D: I wanna be le gr8 fwen you are to me also leh.

I luv you bunneh. QwQ <3 Sankyuu and I LOOOVEEE YOOUUUU and sorry too cause I know I am not really a good friend sometimes D: BUT I WILL TRY TO REMEMBER ALL OUR MEMORIES KAY CAUSE YOU PRECIOUS.

Muaxx, stay happy kay x)

Sunday, May 11, 2014

Lessons Learnt

Seeing as my first relationship was a long-distance one and I got to know le dude through Facebook, what I learn was that

- It's better to know someone personally before jumping in

- Long distance is tough. Needs determination from both parties.

- You really don't have to be afraid of your boyfriend even if you're afraid of guys.

My second relationship, what I learnt was that

- There's a reason why your friends are against you being with him

- You gotta trust your 6th sense sometimes

- One-sided relationships do not work

- Not a good idea to get into a relationship when you've only been close for about a month or maybe even less

- Just because you're living in le same state with le guy doesn't mean you get to meet often. It's a bit like long-distance relationships.

- You gotta have the balls to do what you know is right.

- Sometimes waiting it out isn't really a good option.

- Oh. My. God. I can get jealous when guys go out with his friends often.

- So what if you guys have been together for half a year or one year or 5 years. No love, then pointless it is.

- "I don't know," isn't a good answer to questions like "Where do you wanna go? What do you wanna eat? What do you wanna do?"

- I suppose it's actually okay to send just two or three texts a day to le guy. Don't wanna be over-attached and bug him all day.

- You don't have to keep being the one that takes initiative in a chat.

- Never be taken for granted. Never.

- You can open up to your friends sometimes, it's not good to bury all your emotional problems inside.

- I never felt this way in my first relationship, but it turns out that one can get really disappointed in a boyfriend. Not anger, not sadness. Just... disappointment.

- Some friends would choose to hide or tell you information, with hopes that you would not get hurt or at least know what's going on.

- Things don't go as planned all the time.

Lessons learnt.

And hey, I reached 5000 blog views today. x)

Saturday, May 10, 2014

ALL LE SINGLE LADIES

Yeah so that's the end of it. 

I found the courage to ask for a break up. Another first.

But it all ended well and good, there wasn't drama at the end of it all. Enough dramas anyway. Enough for one whole lifetime. We are better off as friends.

There isn't much to say about this.

We didn't keep much memories. His birthday celebration, last two or three weeks before finals, 2nd and 3rd November, double date to Singapore, one or two outings afterwards, then that's about it. 

Good part is that there's quite little memories to keep and have heartache for. Bad part is that it made me realize how little we shared for the last 6 months.

But it's alright. He's happier now. So am I. 

Yeah. I tried to think about what to type but I came up with nothing. 

There isn't anything I can think of to tell you people. Yeah, just informing you guys it is then. The end of my second relationship. =)

I'm alright though, I'm not sad, but not happy either. No worries about me. I hope he's alright. x)

Quoting from the beginning of our relationship, "Well, shit happens."

Saturday, May 03, 2014

A Story: If I Were A Boy

Warning: Not-so-nice language ahead. This was supposed to be a comedy-ish thing but then I got feels while writing it and so uh.

Here you go.

Waking up and finding out that my gender has changed from a girl to a guy, that means

What's this. It's like a weight has been taken off my chest. *touches*

HOLY SHIT I'M FLAT WHERE DID MY PRECIOUS BOOBS GO OH GOD

WHERE'S MUM OH GOD MUM I LOST MAI BOOBIES "MUUUM-"

... My voice.

... Hah. So God finally heard me pleas and made me a guy. Awesome. No more being emotional. No more period cramps. Heck I don't have to get pregnant. ... I am no longer lesbian now that I'm a guy am I.

*shifts in bed*

I felt something between my legs and freaked out a little. Oh, right. I have a dick now that I'm a guy. 

How does a morning wood look like? *... peeks*

ASDFHKJFGHDGK I HAVE A DEEK. AND IT'S HAAARRRD OH JUST LOOK AT IT OH MAI GAWD

... And then how it feels. Oh yes I would want to know how it feels. ... Oooh. 

And what are those two hairy soft things underneath mai piece of wood? Balls. Oh god they're unsightly. Sagging bags that I would have traded for my boobs to return. ... *touches*

Wow, much soft. 

... ... Self-discovery just about complete.

I need to pee. Oh so that's why they say it's hard to pee in the morning. Oh poor guys. 

Alright. Morning routine can be considered done. I shall now walk around the house in my boxers and ONLY my boxers and maybe I should go out and throw the trash while still wearing mai boxers.

I shall feel le wind all over mah boddey. 

And that's it for Morning and Day 1.

***

There isn't any proof that I was a girl before. All the pictures, data and even birth certificate seems to have stated my gender as 'Male'. It's as if I have always been a guy.

***

A few years later


"Hey, I swear, that girl was looking over at us." My buddy, Jon motioned with his books at a girl nearby. 


"I do believe that she's our classmate, really."

"Oops. Ahah."

I walked over. "Hey Sharon. We're going to le Italian cafe. Wanna join us for lunch?"

She looked as if she was feigning disinterest, shrugged and without ever looking me in the eyes, replied, "Sure, why not."

***

Years later


"Hey Sharon. You have always been there for me. You know, through the past 5 years, ever since I met you, you have been taking my breath away - in a good way. Remember those times when you would tell me what we would be like in years to come? I see those visions too. I see us together, happy, waking up to you every morning, having our first child and choosing a name together. I see us growing old, our children growing up and bringing along their toddlers, calling us grandpa a

nd grandma. I see us together, you know what I mean? 

Sharon, will you marry me?"

Her hands reached up to her face, hiding her crying face underneath. She laughed, cried, and in midst of it all she managed to nod and say, "Yes, yes I will."

***


I reached home and opened the door, still tense from my job. My boss was being unreasonable yet again. Tim and Sheila sat in front of the TV, screaming at each other fighting for the remote control.


My head throbbed.

"BE QUIET WON'T
YOU?!" The children were shocked and stopped arguing immediately. My wife looked at me, worried, a mug of freshly-brewed coffee in her hand.

"Are you alright?" She put the coffee down on a table and took my folders. Her voice still soothes me after all these years. I smiled at her, grateful that she still stuck around.

I told myself that I would never bring my work back home again.

***

When Sheila turned 23, she brought Aaron home. "Mum, dad, this is Aaron." I looked at him. Sheila has been through a few heartbreaks before this, and this time, she looks more certain than she has ever been.

She looked me dead in the eye, confident.

Aaron smiled at Sharon and I, and said 'hi'. 

Will my daughter be happy with this guy? Isn't it too early? He might treat her wrong. But she looks happy...

***

"This is it," I thought as I held my daughter's hand while she walked down the aisle. Aaron was waiting at the altar, a genuinely happy smile on his face. He gasped when he saw Sheila, dressed in a breathtaking white dress with a veil over her head. 

She turned out really beautiful, just like Sharon had been on the day we were married.

"Aaron," I addressed my son-in-law as I handed Sheila's hand to him. "if you make her as much as cry over you, remember that I keep a gun at home and I have been to the shooting ranges, pretending that I was shooting the guys that broke her heart years ago." Sheila let out a soft laugh and her lips quivered. I felt my eyes water. "Let her cry tears of happiness."

Aaron held Sheila's hands firmly, and nodded at me. "Don't worry, I will take good care of her. Thank you."

***

I took in the scent of Sharon's hair as she laid her head on my shoulder. It's been 40 years. Sharon started showing some white hair, and she had smile lines near her mouth.

Like all other married couples we had our ups and downs, but I am the luckiest guy alive to have found this beautiful wife of mine. She still stuck around after all these years. 

"I love you, Sharon." She smiled and gave me a peck on the lips.

Friday, May 02, 2014

I Remember: What If

I remember using a scissors to cut my arms when I was only in primary school before proceeding a few months later to using penknives and blades.

I remember having a huge crush on a senior 2 years older than me when I was still in secondary school - a girl school, where I soon earned my Turtle nickname for being shy.

I remember my dad telling me that we're selling our house in Melaka and moving to Johor, away from all my best friends that I took years to make and keep. I cried a lot when I moved here.

I remember myself hiding from the guys when I reached a new school, I was so afraid. I remember picking up my cutting habit again, still drowning in the memories of my past.

I remember taking up my English teacher's suggestions for me to join the Starstruck! Young Journalism program and then succeeding in becoming a part of a group of writers.

I remember chasing a guy when I was 16 and getting myself in a long-distance relationship which lasted for a year and 5 months when I have only known him for about 3 months - and that is through Facebook.

I remember not daring to hold his hand or returning his hug when we only got to meet once every few months.

I remember a guy that I got pretty close with, and the one and only time he called, he was quiet. I said, "Hello?" and waited for a response. I hung up after a minute.

I remember changing my choice of course from Australian Matriculation to Monash University Foundation Year when I was interviewed for a scholarship.

I remember not bothering to look for other colleges when I got a full scholarship for MUFY in Sunway College JB.

I remember signing up for hostel residency in the campus and how I exchanged barely 10 sentences with my roommate and housemates the entire year I was there.

I remember deciding against going to another university with my first best friend in college when she had to move.

I remember liking a senior from another course in college without knowing that he already had a girlfriend then and then confessing to him only to be rejected.

I remember agreeing to play a little game with the senior.

I remembered scolding a friend for being ever-so stubborn with her relationship problems and getting her through it, taking her side and hating the guy.

I remember making a birthday card, folding a jacket, lending my turtle plush toy to a friend who later became important to me in college.

I remember the exciting, heart-thumping moments of being liked, being chased and then fearlessly jumping into a relationship during the last few weeks in my foundation studies - a trust fall.

I remember buying a drawing tablet and thinking, "this is it. The first step I'm taking for my designing dreams."

I remember getting permission from my parents to go to Singapore 3 days into a relationship and having the best date of my life.

I remember crying, crying and crying looking at Facebook pictures on my laptop screen, wondering what I did wrong, a phone that barely rings by my side.

I remember giving him a choice, and him saying, "I want to try again," 

I remember saying "I love you" after hanging up.

I remember applying for a university in Singapore and the disappointment I felt when my application was rejected.

I remember telling myself, "It's okay. You can study design later in your life" and applying for a degree in biology with psychology. I secured a place in that course.

I remember my friends telling me how naive and stubborn I am and I hardheadedly still stood my grounds.

I remember.

But what if all the things that happened, had happened differently?


What if I never shifted school?
What if I actually decided to turn lesbian in my early teens?
What if I never got to know my first boyfriend?
What if I was more daring with him?
What if I waited for another minute on that call?
What if I never bothered with the journalism program?
What if I went along with my Australian Matriculation?
What if I never confessed to any guy at all?
What if I never played his game?
What if I continued hating him?
What if I rejected his advances?
What if I never gave him a second chance?
What if I did enroll in the Singapore university after all?
What if... ... ...

The list goes on.

Would my life have turned out better

or

is this already the best I have?

Thursday, May 01, 2014

New Place, New Me

I am not exactly sure when I started having this mindset, but now whenever I get to go to a new place where I know no one or at least will not be able to interact much with the people I already know, I would start wanting a new personality for myself.


From my time in primary school till Sec. 3 in Melaka, I was an otaku - an anime lover. That's where I picked up most of the Japanese words and songs that I still know and remember now. Growing up with those friends, I got very close to my classmates there and I even had a few seniors that I still contact now. Still shocks me a little that one of my favourite seniors is turning 22 this year. Out of those friends, maybe 3 or 4 still remains. A bunny, a crab, an artist, and a fashion designer.


When I shifted from Melaka to Johor, I was a quiet, withdrawn student, still feeling the sadness from my loss of friendships that lasted for at least 5 years from Melaka. I barely spoke to anyone there unless necessary, although I ended up having a few friends that share my interest of drawing. We rarely contact each other now; I only stayed there for about 6 months.


Moving on to the next school, I stuck to friends that are somewhat discriminated a little, and joined their rebellion, hating whoever that hated them as well. I stuck to a small group of friends and never liked that place from the beginning till the end. Among those friends, one stayed, and we still try to contact each other more often.


Going to college, I threw away my fear of guys and although shy at first, I managed to mingle with the friends there quite well as someone a little odd, more sporting that I was in my past, and here I learnt to be more of a nocturnal human. A tomboy, small hints of being a cosplayer, and a boobs-grabber. Also, best time of my life so far. Friends that stayed? Too soon to tell, but they will probably stick around for some time more, especially my hostel mates.

to potate or not to potate
With uni life starting in about 3 months, I'm looking forward to being more girlish, put more guts in me and be one of le social butterflies and generally just have more fun and make more friends than I did in 2013. I haven't planned this one out well yet. Maybe show some of the lesbian side I earned back in girl school. Maybe start go partying. Maybe just be a total nerd that earns money from teaching le classmates. Or perhaps, go all over-attached over the minion if he goes to KL as planned. 

There's a very convenient walkway connecting my campus with his. 8)

Anyway. It's fun to try be someone new when we go to different places; just start anew while no one knows what you did just the day or month before. 

You can just act the way you never were in your old place and no one would think that you are being a little off or weird because they have yet to know you. Even if you choose to act weird on that first day you get to the new place, they probably would just think that it's le normal you anyway. That, people, is the best part. 

If you are also into 'renewing' yourself when you go to new places, here's a tip from le Turtle, as cliche as it might be. Be daring on your first day there. Leave an impression. Then act however you wanted to but couldn't back in your old place 'because that behaviour isn't like you'.

And most of all, keep in mind not to let le bad influences get to you, kay. I use this 'new place new me' game as a way to improve myself. But really, maybe this is all just part and parcel of growing up and discovering who we really are. =)

To those starting out in a new place like me, best of luck. You guys will fit in somewhere.