Friday, January 23, 2015

Week 21


This semester I'm just taking the compulsory subjects, so I'm not writing much about it as there is literally nothing to talk about it.

On the other hand though, this easy semester gave me lots of free time on my hands. It makes me want to go out, walk around, explore what's nearby and what's far away.

Let the mind wander, away from the negative thoughts in the mind, from thoughts about body images and clothing choices, money matters, studies, friendship, emotions and exam results.

I don't know what to think.

Perhaps it'll be good to escape from reality for a while more?

Wander, wonder, and wander further.

Friday, January 16, 2015

Week 20 - Solitude

Y'know, funny thing is most of the time when I go to a new place I'd be really happy because I'd be able to start pretending to be someone I really am not. Start anew. I'm sure I've talked about this a few times now in my blog. New place = Change.

Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't.

You see, in order to fall asleep you need to pretend to be asleep first. You close your eyes, stop moving around too much, lay immobile until sleep takes you away.

I figured out that if I pretend to be someone I am not long enough, I'd become that person.

That's how I end up trying to get over my unease around people I barely know at these new places, smiling and talking to them once I get over that uneasy feeling, stepping out of my comfort zone.

I don't know if it was the holidays or something, but ever since the semester break for semester 1 started I don't quite feel like talking or mixing around that much with my coursemates anymore. At first it was still bearable, I'd still be able to talk to them and make jokes, annoy them from time to time, so on and so forth.

I figured I needed a break from all that human contact. I can barely remember when was the last time I walked around campus alone, munched on popcorns in the cinema with complete strangers,or hummed to myself as I sit in an empty field. These past few days I isolated myself from the other, not really joining them for things I'd normally join them for: Movies, meals, talking after classes.

I realized that I kind of miss the silence that I've always enjoyed, even back in secondary school where I'd be sitting in a corner of the class, reading or drawing, while others were elsewhere. As hard as I try to mingle with people more often, I'm perfectly content to be alone as well.

It's comfortable, this silence. Or rather, this state of being alone. I still listen to music sometimes when I'm not doing anything much. It's nice to be able to do something without any interruption for some time. Maybe this is one of the reasons why I like the library. Silence. No one really bothers another.

I'll probably go back to pretending soon, but for today, tomorrow and maybe just the next week or so, I'll let myself relax in my own company.

It's alright to be alone sometimes :)

Saturday, January 10, 2015

To You

 To the Guy who will Never Think of Me the Same Way

            First of all, I want you to know that there wasn't anything wrong with your decision. You see me as a friend and only a friend; I can’t do anything about it.

I want you to know that when you asked me for the reasons that I like you, I had many answers in mind but could only ask you back, “You don’t need reasons to like someone, do you?”

You’re witty, funny and even though a little childish and kiddy at times, you’re one of those good guys who would walk a girl home to make sure she’s safe, make some time out of your busy schedule to listen to a girl with a burdened heart and share a song you like via a pair of earphones in class when the lecture is boring enough to make you fall asleep.

You’re a good friend that I don’t want to lose, but also a nice guy that I’ll regret losing the chance to be with. I apologize for being selfish, causing the disturbance in our friendship by confessing to you, but I’d much rather have some closure than never knowing what your answer might be.

An answer it is that I got, and I want you to know that I'm slowly letting you go. You weren't mine to start with, but I will let my feelings fade as time passes. I wish you happiness, and I only ask that our friendship will stay throughout the next few years.

To the Girl who has been Clinging on to Hope

            Look at you, 19 years old and over-thinking relationships. It is alright to be heartbroken, but hey, don’t dwell in it too long. It hurts, I know, and your tendency to think too much just makes it worse.

            You’re still young, silly. Still a teenager, and it's still too early for you to worry about finding and keeping someone when you probably haven't even grasp the concept of love yet. There’re many other fishes in the sea, and this fish just isn't yours to catch. You can still care for him as a friend and look out for him. Someday, you might find that there’s someone who has been caring for you while you were busy getting heartbroken over someone else and it will be worth the wait once you realize it.

            Learn to be patient, and learn to love in more ways. Be bold and be strong, but don't be afraid to break down and ask for a shoulder to lean on when you're not at your best. Most of all, I hope that you will one day let go of your feelings and move on with no regrets.

To the Girl he will Love

You're beautiful, with a lovely smile and a pleasant personality. I never stood a chance against you to begin with, when all I have is a tomboy-ish manner and a sharp tongue.

I must confess, I am envious of what you will soon have. He will treat you well and you will most likely be happy. I can only hope that you can return the love he gives you and care for him like how I wish I could have, in your place. 

He has yet to love before. I hope that you will show him the ways and let him hold a strong faith in love. Remember his birthday, his favourite foods and drinks, the types of things he likes and comfort him when he is sad. Listen to his favourite bands, motivate him to study and take good care of him should he fall sick and be a good company to him. Find out more about him and understand him. Please love him better than I ever can.

 I truly wish you happiness, albeit with a heavy heart.