Tuesday, March 24, 2015

Dear FutureMe

I believe I have written about futureme.org before, where you send mails to yourself in the future be it the day after, a month later or a few years ahead.


After sending the mails, you cannot open the mails until you have received them in your mailbox, so after some time you probably will forget what you wrote about and one day you just receive a notification on your phone saying you have a new phone and voila! A mail from somewhen in the past that you've completely forgotten about.


I've decided to share some that I've received so far. They bring back memories :) I will, however, censor the names involved in this mail for... personal reasons :)


*****


Date written: July 6th, 2013
Date sent to: November 8th, 2014


Dear FutureMe,


If the timetable given isn't wrong, well, you would have completed your foundation studies today. ;D How does freedom feel? Are you drawing? Straight into your computer games?? novel? or are you regretting something you did for your revisions before the exams?


It is very unlikely that you have found someone to accompany you for now, and i hope you still are single. Have you forgotten about "X"? Is he still your friend? Look, this still is my concern of the moment.. *laughs* well, i hope you have made a choice about the course you are going to take next.. enjoy for now, okay?


Love you.


*****


Date written: November 10th, 2013
Date sent to: October 3rd, 2014


Dear FutureMe,


Hey, Turtle. I have just received your e-mail when I wrote this, and yes I have completed my studies. I am now friends with "X", and he's with "C" now. They currently have some problems, and it's hard to say if they will last. But things seem good for now and I am still hoping for the best for them.


As for me, believe it or not, I am now with "W". The very "W" from MUFY Jan 13. He's really nice to me and like what I posted in my blog, the date we had on the 6th of November was really fun. I love him, and he loves me too. It's a wonder that we are somehow together though. Mum knows about it and so does dad. Mum is a little bothered, but as long as I play safe with "W" it won't hurt. He's nice.


I have currently decided to enroll in the Interactive Media degree program in One Academy, and I would definitely go for it if my scholarship application turns out to be accepted with FULL SCHOLARSHIP. I'm hoping for the best really. It's either this or ICAD college, which would probably work too, but at this moment I have yet to make any inquiries.


Are you in TOA now? Please don't tell me that you're studying in Singapore, that life seems miserable. Tell "W" you love him right now once you see this message if you are still with him (I hope you are, this current me here is head over heels in love with him) and remember not to take him for granted.


I've done packing to go back home on the 15th of November, but I might go out a bit with my friends and maybe "W" as well. :3 I hope you're happy now, Turtle. You have to be.
On the other hand, it might be your 11th month anniversary now, and I wish you all the best. =)


*****


Date written: July 22nd, 2014
Date sent to: November 22nd, 2014


Tatoru Yuki (if you still are using this name),


How much have you changed? Have you begun your studies?? What are you studying?? I hope you like it anyway, Yuki. I really hope you do. Would it be medics, arts or some other thing this current Yuki has not thought of?


Did you remember not to hunch? are you smiling often?? This past you here hasn't been working hard, so if you are having a bad time there, you might as well blame it on this past you. Did you find someone you have an interest in where you are now?


Oh, this past you still feels her heart skip a beat when she sees "X". He's so awesome. He had been nice to you. It's okay, Yuki. I know that the you in the future would have gotten over him completely. You are that strong. =) afterall, one year would have been enough, no?
But hey. One more thing to prioritize. Please, do work hard and be good at what you are studying. Be the top if you can, but firstly, you got to like what you do, alright? I really hope you do. Please. For the sake of yourself in maybe 10 more years? I'll look forward to getting to know the you by then.


Live happy, Yuki. It's already late enough for the turtle to get out of her shell. Socialize, and you would be happy. You know that, don't you? Smile, Yuki.


Love you and Support you all the way~!!


*****
Date written: October 5th, 2014
Date sent to: March 24th, 2015


Dear Turtle,


I've just read your mail from the 9th of November 2013, and oh... you had so much hope in me, didn't you?


I ended up studying Biology with Psychology in Sunway University, and I am coping quite fine I guess. :) It has only been 6 weeks since I first started studying here, and I hope that I will be able to graduate with a first class honours by the time I'm done.


I am NOT willing to quit. I hope future you are not a quitter, Turtle.


I am single and happy here, although there are some crushes here and there. Nothing big though, so don't worry. Remember to focus on your studies and work smart and work hard!
Here, I just came back from my 9.30pm job at Popular bookstore on weekends, and am studying (it's 2.30a.m. as I write this), trying to get some extra pocket money and also good grades at the same time.


You know. Silly you here has a crush on one of your hostel bros... "Y", if you don't remember anymore. It's been there quite a while, but you are shipping him with "C" and they seem to be so much closer nowadays that it will be wrong to take him away or even attempt to do so.


Heh, being single sure is better, isn't it? ;) How are you over there? coping well? It's Sem 2 now isn't it? Please continue your efforts and if anything, DOUBLE, TRIPLE AND EVEN QUADRUPLE those efforts of yours.


Jia you, turtle!! BE A GOOD EXAMPLE TO EVERYONE YOU CARE ABOUT.


*****


Date written: October 6th, 2014
Date sent to: March 20th, 2015


Dear FutureMe,


Hey you. Heyyyy. How are you doing?? It's like.. Sem 3 now I think? Is it? Should be lah.
So how's life there? If you're in a bad spot now because of this past you who is procrastinating her neuroanatomy revisions, I'm so so sorry.


I hope you're healthy there too. It's the second time in two weeks that you didnt' get 6 hours or more of sleep. you;ve gone without sleep till about 6 or 7a.m. to do revisions and studying and then you just go back to hostel to sleep.


Are you coping well with your studies? How about new crushes? Met anyone yet? ;) Do tell me about them kay. Hopefully the hostel crew is still in contact there as well - "D", "E" and "Y". "C" is joining tomorrow and i hope she's still there (BUT I WANT MY "Y") He is a nice person as far as this you here knows.


Eitherway. please double your efforts in studying and make your family proud kay? :D Jia you jia youuu!!!


*****


Date written: November 24th, 2014
Date sent to: March 24th, 2015


Dear FutureMe,


Hey. I uh, kinda of fucked up a bit. Have you received that mail about "Y" yet? Yeah, yesterday I confessed to him and he told me that he simply doesn't think of me that way.


I knew it was coming, and I uh. Cut myself. I was so sad. But somehow after confessing to him, I felt a lot better. :) Just letting you know.


You here have kind of gotten used to staying up late alone, hectic assignment schedules and lack of sleep, tiredness and whatnot.


How's the second sem? Good? I hope so :D At least have fun or something.


The planning for the class trip is just about done now, with little adjustments to the venue for 2nd day and transports and ppl going etc. How was it? I hope it was fun~!!


Are you still hung up on "Y"? Will these few months be enough for you to get over him? Or are you still keeping your feelings for him? Hmmm~


Eitherway, sem 2 should be pretty easy, so make use of the time to study more for the sem 3 stuff or whatever, k. Be more productive.


I love you :) Take care darlin'. Smile more often and don't hurt yourself anymore. Your promised "A" and "B" just as much~!!


Jiayou yea? Support you all le time ^^


*****


That was all that I have received for now, and I make it a point to reply to every single mail I received and update my 'future self' on whatever I might have forgotten by then. Some mails doesn't seem very linked together though, maybe I deleted them accidentally. But this will do.


:)

Monday, March 23, 2015

Solitario

You took your phone out of your pocket, bored of observing the strangers around you and pretending to read when nothing could enter your mind at all.

You opened Facebook - or Instagram - whichever you prefer, and you scrolled past a photo of someone that once made your heart beat so fast - maybe still do - and you scrolled back upwards; looked at how happy that person appeared.

Said person is smiling radiantly, a smile that made butterflies flutter in your stomach. He/she appeared to be with his/her new ... friend? partner?

You closed the application and simply held the phone in your hand, memories rushing back to you. How long has it been since the last time you talked to him/ her? Is he/she doing well? It appears so.

You feel some relief over that, happy that he/she has moved on well enough.

Then sadness.

Sad that you haven't fully moved on, that he/she still is the occupant of your mind. You succeeded in forgetting some details.

The date you first met, what he/she first said to you, how going out with that person was like, the scent that he/she carried that made you want to bury yourself in his/her embrace.

Hush.

Hush, brain. Shut up. You reminded yourself not to bring up any old memories so that you'll forget them faster.

It's not like you haven't fall for anyone else - you did. He/she is a very nice person, fun to be with and whenever you two hang out together, you forget about the memories at the back of your mind. It feels good, for a while.

But it's not right.

You were probably just mistaking loneliness for love. Someone to turn to for attention and care. You weren't ready for a new relationship. You would mess up again if you fall for someone new. So you locked your heart up.

Better not to get anyone hurt.

It's just loneliness anyway.

So stop.

You jolted yourself out of your little mind monologue and looked around. It's getting late, you should go home, get a nice hot shower and relax your mind with some tea or coffee.

Stop those thoughts from keeping you prisoner in your own conflicted emotions.

la soledad es mejor.

Wednesday, March 11, 2015

It's Just One of Those Days

Day 7069

                Hello. Still trying to find my own identity. Am I an introvert? Shy, quiet, aloof and hardly noticeable in a big crowd? Or am I an extrovert? Am I trying to be like my fellow classmates, outspoken and always with some other people? Or rather, might I be somewhere in between? I really have no idea.

                Even if I didn’t feel like having any company, I’d feel a little lonely on some days. “You do know that they think you’re an annoying fucked up brat?” I’d be silently lamenting on just how temporary friendships are, how they’d all go away soon anyways, or how they just don’t like me but are all pretending to be friendly when I spout my nonsenses at them. “Nothing but a waste of space.”

                Lately, I’d feel a dull ache in my heart when I see photos of other people with their high school friends and realize that I didn’t have many that stuck by my side. “Remember that butterfly knife you got? Do you know what to do with it?” I’d loathe the thoughts of seeing my classmates again when the break is over, imagining how I’d have to pretend to be joyful and talk even when I didn’t feel like it. A small voice in my head would then tell me, “Hey, it’s alright. They don’t care about you. They won’t even notice that you’re acting weird or that you’ve disappeared.” Sometimes I’d smile at that thought, but most of the time it makes me more depressed. “You’re a failure.”

                Point is that on days like these, negative thoughts would fill my mind, and I’d regret all the plans I made that requires contact with other people. “Go. Away. They don’t even want you there.” I’d want to just snuggle in bed, a book or a movie as company, a cup of coffee by my side. “Don’t you see it in their eyes, the way they talk to you? They hate you.” Some hugs would be nice too. Did you know that hugs are somewhat necessary in life for emotional maintenance? Mental health?

Maybe on some other days, I actually manage to throw my negative thoughts aside, and I’d be trying to contact my friends, asking “Hey, are you free for lunch today?” But most of the time I’d be fine with just messaging people “What’re you keeping your WiFi on for? No one’s gonna reply your messages or start one with you, you oddfuck.” even if I don’t get to “Fucktard” meet them in person. The illusion of company is nice “bitch” until they eventually say something that makes me annoyed – which is most of the time, what with my short-temper – but I don’t usually show it unless “Lies lies lies lies lies” it got to me real bad.

Eventually, after the feelings passed, I’d feel stupid for even thinking in such ways. “Fucking attention whore.” But really, I find the negative thoughts easier to believe. For someone like me who has a little speech defect, walk with a guy-ish gait, know next to nothing about being ladylike, I suppose the people out there for me “Are you even trying” are just as I deserved – broken, like me. Maybe that’s why I couldn’t keep my guys for more than a year or so, but that’s another depressing thought to contemplate on some other days.