3 Things I Wish I Had Known about First Relationships
- August 10, 2019
- By Tatoru Yuki
- 0 Comments
First-time experiences are often memorable if not hard to forget.
The same applies to our relationships. As silly as those relationships have been, it leaves a lasting impression. After all, it also led to our first heartbreak.
I jumped head first into mine, and things went sour pretty quickly.
I was heartbroken, and I emerged stronger, with more experience and understanding of how relationships should or should not be.
What I Want is Not What I Need
I imagined Mr. Perfect as someone who loves reading as much as I do. He would be smart, strong and patient.
Mr. Perfect is not going to be a loud guy, and he won’t have any prior relationships.
When I chanced upon someone that fit the criteria, I thought, “This is The One!” and pursued him. Of course, I can’t choose a partner like how I choose to purchase a product.
I wish I knew that.
He had what I was looking for, but that did not make him an ideal partner. We had different needs, and we soon parted ways.
As it turns out, what I wanted was not what I needed.
The one that I will be marrying barely fits half the list of criteria that I dreamt of as a teenager, but he’s much more than that in ways I never knew I needed.
Thankfully, we fit just like puzzle pieces.
I still knew what I wanted in my partner and what I did not want, but the list has changed.
It no longer focused on similar interests or personality. Now, it’s all about how well we work with each other, and whether we are putting in effort to grow and maintain our relationship together.
Arguments are bound to happen.
Photo by Dương Nhân from Pexels
I dreamt of perfect relationships like what I saw in TV dramas and read about in novels.
I’m talking about dreamy anniversary celebrations with roses and candle-lit dinners, sun-kissed vacations by the beach, and no arguments at all.
Dumb me. Of course there were arguments.
In fact, there’s going to be a variety of arguments.
I had arguments that helped me to know my partner better. I had some that made us realize we were not working together as a couple.
There were also some small conflicts blown out of proportion because we were hungry and tired.
It’s not going to be like in the movies or viral videos where the guys apologize with a bundle of roses, begging for forgiveness.
No one’s going to give in for every argument, or stop being angry at just because you cry every time an argument happens.
Instead, I had to learn to argue constructively. Being part of a relationship also meant that both of us had to practice giving helpful feedback to one another.
I was not good with arguing, and I still am not.
I can however, expect arguments to happen at some point, and I can deal better with it than I did during my first relationship.
Know when to end it.
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I was not the one who ended my first relationship, but I remember not wanting to end it, ever.
I was lucky, because I was not in a situation where it would be good to end it.
A friend of mine in her first relationship with a boyfriend who was clearly a compulsive liar as well as abusive.
His stories would range from being buried alive to being chased down by a mob and injected with foreign substance - all as an excuse for not responding to her messages or phone calls the night before because he was actually out with his exes.
She didn’t want to break up with him because it was her first relationship. She couldn’t let him go. So she put up with it and is still with him today.
No doubt the first break up is going to be painful, but a red flag is a red flag. Don’t ignore the warning signs.
As hard as it is, leave the relationship when it’s toxic. My friend might not have found her Mr. Right on her first try, but I hope that she’ll find the courage to break it off with him one day.
It’s still up to us and us only.
I might be here talking about what I should have known, but my own mother and peers have given me similar advices from the start.
No one really listens when it’s their first relationship, right?
In the end, we’re all just too blinded by our first loves.
